Forgiveness

Someone asked me last week if I'd forgiven my father
for all he's done to me,
for all he's allowed to be done to me.

My answer was no.
Still is actually.

That question has forced me to ask myself why!
I have forgiven my ex for his part in our relationship
and the inevitable demise of it.
I have forgiven others for betraying trust,
for breaking my heart,
for saying hurtful things!
I've forgiven my mother for so many things over the years!
My sister & I have not always been as close as we are now.
To get to the relationship we have now, we had to forgive each other many things!

So tell me...
why can't I forgive my father?
My only logical answer to that is he's never asked for it.
He at no point apologized for the way he treats us.
He at no point has told me he loved me.
So how can I forgive?

I realize that forgiveness is for oneself,
and not the one in need of forgiving.

I just can't do it!

My mom has said & done some pretty stupid,
immature things throughout the course of our relationship.
We got past it by talking about it,
by apologizing,
and by forgiving.
By reminding the other of our love.

Same with my sister & friends.
We communicate.

I can't talk to my father,
I can't tell him what he's done.
I can't ask him to apologize,
so I can't forgive him.

I realize that when he's passed away,
I will, in the solitude of my room,
through my own unique mourning process,
speak with my father.
In that time I will ensure that he knows what he's done to me.
How he's made me feel.
I know his passing will be difficult.
Probably more so because I can't forgive him.
Mostly, however, because he will never REALLY know.


Does anyone have suggestions?
Suggestions on how to forgive someone something that,
no matter how you try,
you can't let go of?

I think I'm supposed to be able to let go of the abuse,
to let the hurt go.
But I just can't!
I guess I feel like if I do that it will invalidate what really happened!
I know. without a doubt,
that this is one scenario where I do not have to apologize.

Wikipedia describes forgiveness as
the process of concluding resentment, indignation or anger as a result of a perceived offense, difference or mistake, or ceasing to demand punishment or restitution.

I don't feel resentment, more hurt & anger.
I don't know that I'm seeking punishment or restitution,
I don't know what it is,
where I'm at.
I know I feel powerless.
I suppose forgiveness,
if I can find it
will free me of that feeling!

I think I'm not religious enough for that kind of forgiveness.